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Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.